Episode 26 Alibi

NNIE 
He's so married! Oh, hi, Julian. Listen, we have an emergency here. What are the symptoms? Oh, shaking, squealing..., yeah, just a toothache. 
You can? Oh, thank you! Bye! 
Sorted. He'll see Nick now. 
HECTOR 
OK, come on, Nick. Come on. Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick. 
Assorted groaning noises/sound of door slamming 
BRIDGET 
Julian looked in my mouth once. He said, "Bridget, you've got wonderful teeth." 
ANNIE 
With a mouth that big, I'm surprised he didn't fall in! 
Sound of telephone ringing 
BRIDGET 
Hello? Who’s this? Bernard? 
BRIDGET [In flashback] 
Oh! Hello, Bernard. 
ANNIE 
Oh, hello, Bernard. You've been what? Robbed? When? When you were in the bath? All your clothes? And your keys? Oh, poor Bernard. Listen, you must call the police, OK? OK. Bye. 
Poor Bernard. It's ten o'clock! My sponsored silence starts now. 
NICK [Composing email] 
Oh, I've got a toothache. I don't want to go to the - dentist, but Hector says I must go. 
HECTOR 
He'll need a big drill. 
NICK 
Arrrghhh! 
HECTOR 
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 
NICK 
Owwww! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
This morning I started my sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents. 
ANNIE 
If I talk a lot now, then I won't have to talk later. 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
I won't have to speak, because Bridget has gone to see a beautician. 
ANNIE 
Have you got a spot? 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Oh!! It was urgent!! 
ANNIE 
I’ll call an ambulance! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
You won't believe this, but our neighbour Bernard has had all his clothes stolen. 
ANNIE 
All your clothes? And your keys? 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
I wonder who could have done such a terrible thing? 
Poor Bernard! I told him he must call the police. 
Sound of knocking on door 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please? Why not? You can't speak, I'm sorry. Oh, you can speak. 
Are you trying to be funny with me, young lady? I no speak for, hmm, one word, three syllables. First syllable - sit. Seat? Chair? Second syllable - A, E, I, I, Tea. Chair-I-Tea. Chair-i-tea? 
You're being silent for charity! Ah, but which charity? Cow? Dog? Cat? 
Pig? Got it! Pigs Without Parents! 
HECTOR 
Is this man bothering you, Annie? Because if he is, I am going to show him some Argentinean.... 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Detective David Hunt of the Metropolitan Police. 
HECTOR 
...respect. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
And you are? 
HECTOR 
Hector Romero. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Ah, I suspect you're not English, eh? 
HECTOR 
He is a very good detective. 
NICK 
Ha-ha-ha! 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
And you are? 
NICK 
[ Unintelligible ] 
HECTOR 
He's just been to see the plumber. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
The plumber? 
HECTOR 
Yes, he had a toothache. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
But you don't go to the plumber when you've got a toothache. 
You go to the den.... 
HECTOR 
Biscuit? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Den.... 
Anyway, I'm here to investigate a robbery of Bernard Reynolds. 
HECTOR 
Huh! Somebody has stolen Bernard! 
NICK 
Ha-ha-ha-ha!! 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
It's not a robbery. Bernard Reynolds' clothes! 
HECTOR 
Oh, who would want Bernard's clothes? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
So I'm investigating everybody in the building, because someone has stolen Bernard Reynolds' clothes. Where were you last night? 
HECTOR 
I was with Annie. Annie? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Oh, it's OK. She can't speak for chair-I-tea! Anyway, what about Nwiff? 
NICK 
Huh? Well, I [Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
Show me, Nick. 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
Ah! I went to Leo's Bar... 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
I had a beer... 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
There was a beautiful girl... 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
And a motorbike? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
You were with a young woman on a motorbike? Motorbike. Registration? 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Name of the young woman? 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
Oh, he wasn't with her. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Ah! The young woman was on television on a motorbike! 
HECTOR & NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
I saw that! Very nice! Gee, I'm getting good at this. 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Anyway, I was being silent and there was a knock on the door. 
Sound of knocking on door 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
It was a policeman, a detective! 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please? 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Unfortunately, I could not speak, because of my sponsored silence. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Chair-i-Tea? 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
And worse still, I had to tell him why. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Got it! ‘Pigs Without Parents!’ 
NICK 
Oh!! 
NICK [Composing email] 
When Hector and I came back from the dentist – [oww!] - a policeman was waiting for us. He wanted to know where I was last night. [Uh-oh!] ... .. .. .... Huh? Oh, well, I ... ... ... .. Ow! 
Anyway, Hector managed to translate for me, unfortunately! 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Motorbike. Registration? 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Name of the young woman? 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
Sound of knocking on door 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Oh, there you are! 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Oh, hello, Mr Reynolds. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Well, have you caught them? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Who? 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
The robbers. 
The robbers who stole my clothes. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Ah, yes. My investigations are going very well. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
[Makes loud sneezing noise] 
HECTOR 
Oh, you have a cold, Bernard? Oh, you need some clothes? 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
What a week! 
First Mum went away to play bingo all weekend! 
HECTOR 
Bingo? 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Two fat ladies, 88. 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Clickety-click, 66. Well, anyway, and then someone stole my clothes. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Bingo! 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Ah, Digestives! My favourite. 
Sound of door opening 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Aha! You must be Miss Evans. 
HECTOR 
And this is Sherlock Holmes! 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Bridget, I'd like to ask you a few questions. 
BRIDGET 
Bernard's wearing my dressing gown! What are you staring at? 
HECTOR 
Nothing. 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Is there something wrong with your top lip? 
BRIDGET 
No. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Yes, there is. It's bright red. 
BRIDGET 
It doesn't show, does it? 
HECTOR & BERNARD 
No, no, no. 
BRIDGET 
They told me in the salon no one would notice! [Sound of Bridget blowing her nose]. Thank you. 
I wanted perfect lips, but I didn't have enough money, so a student did them. 
HECTOR 
What, a butcher student? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
There, there. You're still very pretty. 
BRIDGET 
Am I? Really? 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Really. Where were you last night? 
BRIDGET 
Looking in the mirror. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
All night? 
BRIDGET 
Yes, all night. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
How can anyone spend all night looking at themselves in the mirror? 
NICK 
[Assorted noises]. 
HECTOR 
Oh, Bridget would. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
So let me summarise everybody's alibis. 
Annie is doing a sponsored silence for ‘Pigs With No Parents.’ She would not have had time to take Bernard's clothes. And what's more, Bernard's clothes would be too big for her. 
Hmm, Nwiff was watching ‘Babes and Bikes’ on television. I watched that too, so he may be telling the truth. 
Bridget was looking at herself in the mirror all night. Huh! An unlikely story. 
However, if I accuse her, she'll start crying again and I can't stand hysterical women. 
Which brings me to Hector. 
Hector's wearing a terrible suit. It looks stolen. 
Nobody would buy it, surely. 
And his only alibi is Annie, and guess what? 
She can't speak! 
But the clues do speak! 
Hunt, you're a genius! 
I think that someone here is not telling the truth and I think that someone is you! 
HECTOR 
But I told you: I was with Annie. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Annie hasn't said she was with you. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
That's true. 
HECTOR 
She can't speak. She is doing a sponsored silence for chair-I-tea. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
It doesn't matter. Did you go out at all? 
HECTOR 
Yes. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Where? 
HECTOR 
Shopping. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Shopping? For what? 
HECTOR 
Some new clothes. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
These new clothes? Now let me get this straight. You need some new clothes and Mr Reynolds' clothes have been stolen. So what does that tell me? 
HECTOR 
Yes, but I... 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Why buy new clothes when you can steal somebody else's? 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Yeah! 
ANNIE 
Oooh!! Do these look like Bernard's clothes? 
HECTOR, BRIDGET, NICK & DETECTIVE HUNT 
Ooooh!! 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
They could be. My colour. 
ANNIE 
Oh no! I spoke! You! You made me speak! 
BRIDGET, NICK & HECTOR 
Oooh! 
Sound of telephone ringing 
BRIDGET 
Hello? Yes, he's here. I'll get him. Bernard? It's your mother. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Hello, Mum. You're back. How was bingo? 
Mum, someone stole my clothes. 
Oh! Oh! Ah. 
HECTOR & NICK 
Ahhh. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
OK. Right, I'm off. Mum's back. 
She's cooking my tea. 
BRIDGET 
Bernard, what about your clothes? 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
It's OK. She's got them. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
What?! 
HECTOR 
What? 
NICK 
What? 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
She put them in the washing machine before she went to bingo. 
HECTOR & NICK 
Oh. 
BERNARD REYNOLDS 
Bye! 
HECTOR 
So Bernard's clothes were in the washing machine all the time. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Well, yes, as I suspected. That's another case solved. I'll be off then. 
ANNIE 
Oh no you won't. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
What?! 
ANNIE 
You owe me £120 for ‘Pigs With No Parents.’ You made me speak. 
DETECTIVE HUNT 
Well, will dollars do? 
NICK 
Ow!! 
COMMENTARY [v.o.] 
Next time in EXTRA, the girls enter a game show and guess what Hector finds on his jumper? 
EXTRA, don't miss it.