Dirty Japanese

oup dishes, including sukiyaki and shabushabu.
tempura
tempura
This is like the assorted deep-fry platter you get at an Applebee’s or some shit like that.
Chinese food
chuka
Japanese Chinese food is like a less greasy version of American Chinese food, with higher quality ingredients, prettier waitresses, and no Spicy Wings.
curry
kare
カレー
You can get Indian-style curry in Japan (check out Jimbocho in Tokyo), although the word kare implies Japanese curry, which is more sweet than spicy.
French food
furansu ryori
フランス料理
A lot of Japanese cooks actually go to France to study foreign cooking, so French food in Japan is probably more authentic than what you get in America, although I wouldn*t know because I never eat the shit.
Italian food
itaria ryori
Don’t expect to find a lot of heavier dishes like lasagna in Japan, but if you're into spaghetti and other noodle dishes, Japanese spaghetti is pretty damn good. They generally serve pretty shitty wine, though.
	Fast food
fasuto fudo フアース卜フード
Of course you can find a McDonald’s in even the most remote corner of the Eight Islands, and a hamburger there tastes pretty much the same as the one you ate in whatever Middle American town you may have come from. But if you’re going to eat fast food in Japan, I suggest you try one of the following native franchises, in descending order. Americans have a lot to learn about their own cuisine.
C LETS GO TO
... ikoze ^
Mos Burger
mosu
モス
Mosu is like the In-N-Out of Japanese fast food. They use quality beef and have all sorts of weird experimental burgers.
First Kitchen
fakkin
フアツキン
Pronounced like "fucking,” these places are cheap, quick, and popular among high school kids.
Freshness Burger
furesshunesu baga フレッシュネスバーガー
Freshness Burger is kind of a health-conscious burger joint. Unfortunately, that makes it less tasty than a Mos Burger, although it’s light years ahead of McDonald’s.
し otteria
rotteria
ロッテリア
The name “Lotteria” makes it sound like they should be selling scratch-offs instead of burgers and fries. It’s like McDonald’s but not made out of poo.
Kentucky Fried Chicken
kenta
Except for very remote parts of Hokkaido, it is impossible to find turkey in Japan, so it has become tradition to get Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas dinner—and eat only the skin.
McDonald’s
makku
マック
The Golden Arches. The only exciting thing about Japanese McDonald’s is that you can get com soup there.
	Family restaurants
famiresu
ファミレス
Have you ever been to a Denny’s where they have a drink bar? You pay like three bucks to drink all the coffee and orange juice and soda you want. Drink bars are pretty standard at Japanese family restaurants, as well —but the exciting thing is that some places—like Bamiyan and Birudi—will occasionally have hard drink bars, too, where you pay a nominal fee for all the wine and liquor your composure can handle.
C LETS GOTO."
...ikoze
行こうぜ。
Royal Host
roiho (roiyaru hosuto)
ロイホ（ロイヤルホス卜）
Royal Host is the standard-bearer for all family restaurants. A lot of meat-based dishes on the menu.
Denny^
aenlzu
Dennyfs in Japan is so much nicer than Denny's in America. Clean and tasty, with Japanese and American food.
Gusto
gasuto
Gusto is cheap and easy. It’s popular with college and high school kids.
Jonathan’s
jona Qonasan)
Jonathan’s is kind of cheap and dirty. You see a lot of angry parents and whiny kids there.
Casa
kasa
Casa has a lot of Salisbury steaks, curry, and omelet dishes. None of which are great.
Saizeriya
saize (saizeriya)
Saizeriya is an Italian family restaurant—like Olive Garden except edible.
Bamiyan
bami (bamiya)
バミ（バーミヤン）
Bamiyan is a Chinese family restaurant. The food isn’t great and the service sucks, but the one by my house had the hard drink bar.
Yumean
yumean
The Chinese food at Yumean isn’t that great, either, but I would place it an inch or so above Bamiyan.
Don
don (suteki no don)
どん（ステーキのどん）
“Don,” as this steak house is affectionately called, makes a damn good steak. Applebees, Chili’s, Outback—they don’t got shit on the Don.
Bikkuri Donkey
donkT (bikkuri donkl)
ドンキー（びっくりドンキー）
Bikkuri Donkey does not purvey donkey-based cuisine. They specialize in Salisbury steaks, and do a good job with it.
Bldy
birudi
ビルディ
Bldy (this is the actual spelling) has a very eclectic menu, but none of it is great. Fortunately, they are reputed to have the hard drink bar.
	Cafes
kissaten
喫茶店
Starbucks is every bit as ubiquitous in Tokyo as in New York and has better coffee than other chain alternatives.
But if you’re a hippie who feels like Starbucks harshes your socially conscious mellow, check out some of the Japanese coffeehouses. Doutor has bagel sandwiches!
Starbucks
sutaba
ス夕バ
Uke Japanese bra sizes, drinks at a Japanese Starbucks are all one size smaller than their name suggests, so that a “medium” corresponds to a “small” in America.
Doutor
dotoru
At Doutor, you get these exhausted businessmen chain-smoking and drinking coffee next to bag ladies mumbling into their teacups. The coffee ain’t great, but the atmosphere has no pretensions.
Segafredo
segafuredo
Segafredo specializes in sticky drinks like the "Pina Colada Yogurt Granita.” They are leading the whole Frappuccino genre into the 21 st century.
Renoir
runoaru
ルノア一ル
Pretentious and froufrou, Renoir is the type of place that frowns on to-go orders and prefers for you to sit down with
HU门Gry J3P3门bs日 143
all the other widowed madams until you order a tiramisu out of sheer anxiety.
	Sushi expert
sushi tsu
寿司通
Oh, you thought Japanese slang was just for punkass kids? Well, tell that to the septuagenarian chef behind the sushi bar pulling his knife through a yellowtail with all the precision of a brain surgeon. He still has shrapnel in his knee from the Russo-Japanese war and knows more sushi slang than a rapper knows Ebonics. So try out some of these words next time youJre at a sushi restaurant and see if nobody notices that you’re a big fat American who rubs his chopsticks together and then orders a Coke with his California roll.
C CAN I GET SOME
...kudasai ください。
water
ohiya
おひや
soy sauce
murasaki
ムラサキ
tea
agari
あがり
ginger
gari
ガリ
check
oaiso
おあいそ
Can I get it sans wasabi?
sabinuki de onegai shimasu
サビ抜きでお願いします。
What kind of sushi do you like?
sukina osushi wa
好きなお寿司は？
You don*t eat California rolls so much in Japan, eh?
kariforunia roru wa nihon ja amari kuwanai ne
カリフォルニアロールは日本じゃあまり食わな
いね0
Yuck!
mazui
まずい！
In my experience, ifs pretty hard to find food in Japan that is actually bac/•ヒven the hot lunches served at the poorest elementary school in Japan are light years tastier than the shit that Americans eat. If youYe British, even homeless people in Japan eat better than you. But let's imagine that you do get served something that doesn’t taste quite right while you’re in Japan. Be sure to express your discontent immediately and vocally, because by now you probably already have food poisoning.
This tastes weird.
aji ga chotto hen da
味がちょっと変だ。
This tastes bad.
mazui na kore
まずいな、これ。
Seriously, this is tucking gross.
iya gekimazu da na
いや、激マズだな一。
This is total shit.
kuso dayo kore
クソだよ、これ。
This is a shit among shit, kuso no naka no kuso dane
糞中の糞だね。
Seriously, we are eating poo. unko da ne maji de
うんこだねマジで。
I can’t fucking eat this, konna mono kuene
こんなもの食えね一。
This restaurant fucking sucks.
kono mise wa saitei saiaku
この店は最低最悪。
Is this Korea? Because this shit tastes like dog. koko wa kankoku? datte inu no aji ga surunda mon
ここは韓国？だって犬の味がするんだもん。
This shit would taste better after I puked it back up and ate it.
kore o hakimodoshite mo ikkai kutta ho ga zettai oishi shi
これを吐き戻してもう一回食った方が絶対おい
しいし。
We got better meals than this in prison, gokuchu no meshi no ho ga yoppodo umakatta shi
獄中のメシの方がよっぽどウマかったし。
しet’s go, iko yo
行こうよ。
Wanna pull an eat-and-run? kuinige shiyo ka
食い逃げしようか？
	Picky Eaters
kuwazu girai
食わず嫌い
Kuwazu-girai is a game that Japanese folks like to play at izakaya and other restaurants that have small, tapas-like dishes. The premise of the game is this: everybody orders three things—two they absolutely love and one they can’t stand. Japanese izakaya usually have extensive enough menus so that it*s easy to find something you hate. Then you take turns consuming your three dishes under the scrutinizing gazes of your companions, and they try to guess which was the one that you actually hate. Most people don’t realize what bad actors they are, and nothing is funnier than watching a bad actor act—especially when they are overcompensating for nausea by pretending to savor and relish something that is making them sick. It*s a great way to get to know people’s culinary and dramatic inclinations—and a rare opportunity to eat fermented soy beans. Bon appetit!
About the Author
Matt Fargo is the owner of one of the world’s dirtiest mouths. He has worked in Japan as a writer, translator, and musician among other things, subsequently earning his Master^ degree in Japanese Literature at UC Berkeley. He currently lives in New York, where he enjoys the metropolitan propensity for filthy language. If you get good enough at Japanese, you can read his first book,「空想英語読本」，or you can check out his other projects at matthewfargo.com.
GET DIRTY
Next time you’re in Japan or just chattin’ in Japanese with your friends, drop the textbook formality and bust out with expressions they never teach you in school, including：
cool slang
funny insults
explicit sex te
raw swear word
Dirty Japanese teaches the casual expessions
heard every day on the streets of Japan：
What’s up?
Ossu?
How’s it hanging?
Choshi doyo?
I’m smashed.
Beron beron nPnattekita.
I love ginormous tits.
Kyo’nyQ daisuki.
Wanna try a threesome?
Yatte miyo ka sanpl?
I gotta take a leak.
Shonben shite.
He’s such an asshole.
Aitsu wa kanji warui kara.
ISBN10:1-56975-565-5 ISBN13: 978-1-56975-565-5
0 0
5