Episode 29 Camping

NICK 
Oh, it was my turn for the toy! 
HECTOR 
No, you’ve got The Incredible Hulk. 
So I get two turns. 
Pow!! [Laughs] 
Hey, Nick. 
NICK 
Uh? 
HECTOR 
What do you think of Eunice? 
NICK 
Ha! Well, she isn’t an English Rose. 
HECTOR 
No, I don’t think she is a flower. 
NICK 
No, it’s a saying. An English Rose. A sweet, pretty girl, like Annie. 
HECTOR 
Oh no! Eunice is not a sweet, pretty girl! 
NICK 
No. Eunice is more, erm  
HECTOR 
What is that plant that grows all over walls in England? 
NICK 
Honeysuckle. Wallflower. Erm, ivy? 
HECTOR 
Yeah, ivy. 
Eunice is more like English ivy. 
NICK 
What do you mean? 
HECTOR 
Well she  
NICK 
 Likes dancing? 
HECTOR 
No, no, she  
NICK 
She’s all over you? 
HECTOR 
Yeah. 
NICK 
Hah. Do you like it? 
HECTOR 
Mmm. 
NICK 
[Makes whistling noise] 
I see trouble ahead. Whoo-hoo. 
Sound of door slamming 
BRIDGET 
What’s so funny? Come on, share the joke! 
ANNIE 
It’s Hector. 
BRIDGET 
Hector came home late last night, is that it? 
ANNIE 
He was out with Eunice! 
BRIDGET 
Oh, don’t worry about Eunice, she likes flirting, that’s all. Hey, this’ll cheer you up. Look what I found. 
ANNIE 
Oh, it’s pictures of us when we were Brownies. Aah. 
Oh, and you’re wearing your Brownie uniform! Ah. 
BRIDGET 
It still fits! 
ANNIE 
Ooh, look at all your badges! 
BRIDGET 
What was the Brownie law? 
A Brownie guide thinks of others before herself  
ANNIE 
 And does a good turn every day. 
Sound of door slamming 
BRIDGET 
Remember the Brownie law, Annie. 
ANNIE 
OK. OK. Hello Hector, how are you? [Sound of kissing] 
HECTOR 
Fine. 
ANNIE 
Did you have a good night’s sleep? What was left of it! 
NICK 
Dib-dib, dob-dob. Ha-ha. What’s all this then? 
BRIDGET 
It is the Brownie salute. 
NICK 
Ha! That’s not a salute! This is a salute. What do you think, Hector? 
HECTOR 
Well both salutes are nice. 
BRIDGET & ANNIE 
Brownies. 
NICK 
Boy Scouts. 
BRIDGET & ANNIE 
Brownies! 
NICK 
Boy Scouts! 
HECTOR 
What are you talking about? What are Brownies? Biscuits? 
ANNIE 
When Bridget and I were little girls, we were Brownies. 
We went camping, we sang songs. 
BRIDGET 
We were given badges for good works. 
NICK 
Huh! Brownies are for girls! In the Scouts we survived! 
BRIDGET 
It was just like being in the SAS, wasn’t it Nick. 
NICK 
Hah-huh. 
HECTOR 
But what are all those badges for? 
BRIDGET 
This one is for first aid. 
HECTOR 
Ah-hah, and what is second aid – or third aid! 
NICK 
Hah-hah! 
ANNIE 
First aid is for helping people who are HURT! 
HECTOR 
How hurt? 
BRIDGET 
Like if they can’t breathe. 
ANNIE 
Shall I demonstrate, Bridget? 
BRIDGET 
Go ahead, Annie. 
ANNIE 
Lie down, please, Hector. 
Thumping noise 
ANNIE 
Now, this is called the kiss of life. 
HECTOR 
Oh-ho-ho, sounds good! 
ANNIE 
It means I breathe into your mouth! 
HECTOR 
Aha. Oh! [Sound of coughing] 
ANNIE 
And if you still can’t breathe, I do this. 
HECTOR 
Well, that is   Oh!! Oh!! 
ANNIE 
And I keep doing this, until you can breathe! 
HECTOR 
Oh!! Oh!! 
ANNIE 
Are you breathing yet? 
HECTOR 
Yes, yes, yes, I can breathe! 
ANNIE 
Ah! And that is my good turn for the day. 
BRIDGET 
Now Nick,, bites and stings. 
NICK 
No thanks. 
NICK 
Of course, when I was in the Scouts, I went camping. 
BRIDGET 
So did we. 
NICK 
Ah, but this was proper camping, survival. 
ANNIE 
What, like the SAS? 
NICK 
Ha! We had to live off the land. 
BRIDGET 
What? No tins of baked beans? 
NICK 
No. 
HECTOR 
Whoa! 
BRIDGET 
So could you do a survival test? 
NICK 
Yeah, no problem. 
HECTOR 
Yeah. 
ANNIE 
Right then. We will give you a survival test. 
HECTOR 
Great! What is a survival test? 
NICK 
You’ll see, Just be prepared. 
ANNIE 
Ready for your survival test, boys? 
NICK 
Certainly am. 
HECTOR 
Aha. 
ANNIE 
OK, test number one. [Girls put on Australian voices] 
BRIDGET 
The jungle is full of horrible things that creep and crawl. 
ANNIE 
And some that wriggle everywhere. 
NICK & HECTOR 
Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha. 
BRIDGET 
Especially worms! 
NICK & HECTOR 
Ah!! Ah!! Ooh!! Ahh!! 
ANNIE 
OK. Test number two. 
NICK & HECTOR 
Ah! Ooh! 
ANNIE 
Food! 
BRIDGET 
You have run out of food, so you have to eat whatever you can find. 
NICK & HECTOR 
Egh?! 
BRIDGET 
Open very wide please! Ready?! 
NICK & HECTOR 
Ah! Ooh! 
ANNIE & BRIDGET 
Beetles!! 
NICK & HECTOR 
Ahh! Ugh!! Ahh! 
ANNIE 
OK. Test number three. 
BRIDGET 
Pain!! 
NICK 
Oh-ahh-ahh! 
BRIDGET 
I haven’t touched you yet! 
ANNIE 
I’m sorry boys, you have failed the survival test. 
HECTOR 
But erm, in the jungle it is going to be different. 
NICK 
Yeah, we were just pretending. 
HECTOR 
Aha. 
NICK 
It wasn’t real. 
HECTOR 
Oh-ho! 
ANNIE 
What? Like real camping. 
NICK 
Uh. 
BRIDGET 
Why don’t we do it? 
HECTOR 
Do what? 
BRIDGET 
Let’s go camping! 
NICK 
We haven’t got a tent. 
ANNIE 
Well, Hector can get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition. 
NICK 
Huh? 
ANNIE 
Well isn’t tomorrow the last day of the exhibition? 
HECTOR 
Yeah. 
ANNIE 
And you and Eunice will be doing another report! 
HECTOR 
Yeah!! 
ANNIE 
Well then, you can buy a tent and come home early. 
Oh, you’ll miss your drinks after work. Shame! 
Slapping noise 
HECTOR 
Oh! 
Sound of door slamming 
NICK [Composing email] 
Hector must be careful. 
I think Eunice is after him. 
HECTOR 
What do you think of Eunice? 
NICK [Composing email] 
And he likes it! 
NICK 
I see trouble ahead. 
NICK [Composing email] 
And Bridget and Annie have been showing us what they did in the Brownies. 
First Aid, for example. 
ANNIE 
Lie down please, Hector. 
NICK [Composing email] 
Huh! That’s for girls. Not like the Scouts. 
NICK 
That’s not a salute. This is a salute. 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
This afternoon Bridget and I gave the boys a survival test. 
ANNIE 
Ready for your survival test, boys? 
NICK 
Certainly am. 
HECTOR 
Ah-huh. 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Test number one: are they afraid of worms? 
BRIDGET 
Worms!! 
NICK & HECTOR 
Ah!! Ah! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Test number two. Could they eat anything in order to survive? 
ANNIE & BRIDGET 
Beetles! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Test number three: pain! 
NICK 
Aagh! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Hector is going to get us a tent from the National Camping Exhibition  and then we will really go camping! 
BRIDGET 
Let’s go camping! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
We’ll see who the real men are! 
HECTOR 
In the jungle it is going to be different. 
Crashing noise 
HECTOR 
Oh, shush  shush-shush, you will wake Annie. Shush! Hey, I have an idea. I must show you to Annie. Shh, shh. You know, I have a better idea. Ha-ha-ha! Come, come! 
Come, you too, come, come. 
Sound of door slamming/sound of clanging tent poles 
HECTOR 
Nick! 
NICK 
Ah! 
HECTOR 
Nick, wake up! 
NICK 
Oh, no more beetles! Ah! Hector?! 
HECTOR 
Nick. 
NICK 
What’s going on? 
HECTOR 
I’ve got it. 
NICK 
Got what? 
HECTOR 
The tent! 
NICK 
Oh, that’s nice. 
HECTOR 
Come on, let’s put it up. 
NICK 
What? 
HECTOR 
The tent! 
NICK 
Oh, Hector! Have you seen the time? 
HECTOR 
No. 
NICK 
It’s three o'clock in the morning! 
HECTOR 
Is it? 
NICK 
Yeah. 
HECTOR 
Really? 
NICK 
But wait a minute. Where have you been? 
HECTOR 
For a couple of beers – and a dance. 
NICK 
What’s that on your collar? 
HECTOR 
Paint. 
NICK 
Oh, pink paint. Nice. 
HECTOR 
When Annie wakes up, she is going to be cross with me. 
NICK 
If she sees that on your collar, she will be. Have you been dancing with Eunice? 
HECTOR 
Ye-es 
NICK 
[Makes whistling noise] 
You are dead! 
HECTOR 
But, when Annie sees that I bought the tent, she is going to forgive me. 
NICK 
At three o'clock in the morning?! 
HECTOR 
Late night shopping! 
Sound of door opening and closing 
NICK 
Sssh! 
Crashing noise/sound of Charley growling 
HECTOR 
It is OK, Charley, it is me, Hector. 
NICK 
Where shall we put it? 
HECTOR 
HERE! 
[Whispering] Here, in the middle. 
NICK 
Guy ropes. 
HECTOR 
Ha? What? Guy Ropes, who is he? 
NICK 
No. Guy ropes. Ropes called guy ropes. 
HECTOR 
Oh, somewhere here  
NICK 
Ah! 
HECTOR 
Hey, look  
NICK 
That’s them  
HECTOR 
Ah-hah! 
NICK 
Tie them to the furniture. 
HECTOR 
Aha. 
Assorted rustling noises 
HECTOR 
There, that is it. 
NICK 
Right, let’s go to bed. 
Sound of door opening and closing 
ANNIE 
Oh! What, what’s this? Who put that there?! 
HECTOR 
Hi Annie, I’ve bought you a tent. 
BRIDGET 
What is going on? 
HECTOR 
Well, do you like your tent? Eh? 
NICK 
Anyone for camping? Ah! 
Assorted howling noises 
ANNIE 
Oh, it’s so cold! 
HECTOR 
I’ll warm you up. 
ANNIE 
Did somebody say something? 
BRIDGET 
I want a hot drink! 
We can’t even make a fire! 
ANNIE 
And there’s no water left! 
NICK 
How long have we been here?
BRIDGET 
Oh, it feels like ages! 
Assorted rustling noises 
BRIDGET 
It’s so creepy. 
ANNIE 
Yeah. Very creepy. 
HECTOR 
[Snoring loudly] 
ANNIE 
Oh, are you tired, Hector? Did you have another LATE NIGHT with Eunice?! 
BRIDGET 
So who’s going to go outside and get us some water. 
ANNIE 
Well I won’t. 
BRIDGET 
Well I won’t either. 
NICK 
Oh all right, I’ll go, but if I’m not back in ten minutes, you can have my Action Man collection. 
BRIDGET 
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off you go. 
NICK 
Uh-uh, oh! 
Sound of howling/rustling noises 
MRS JESSOP 
Morning, Nick dear. Thought you and your friends would like a nice cup of tea. 
NICK 
Oh, thanks Mum. 
ANNIE 
Oh, thanks Mrs Jessop. 
COMMENTARY [v.o.] 
Next time in EXTRA. Bridget gets a new job. Hector receives a phone call from Lola and Annie is looking for trouble. 
NICK 
It’s not Eunice, it’s not Debbie, could it be Lola? 
COMMENTARY [v.o.] 
EXTRA, don’t miss it!