Episode 28 Christmas

et if you cross a chicken with a clock? 
HECTOR 
I don’t know. 
NICK 
An alarm cluck! 
An alarm cluck! Ha-ha! 
HECTOR 
I don’t get it. 
NICK 
An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck! 
HECTOR 
A clock?! 
Christmas music 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe. 
HECTOR 
Mistle-toe? 
ANNIE 
It’s an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone. 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas. 
NICK 
I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly  ! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Those naughty children! He-he-he! 
BRIDGET [Composing email] 
I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to. 
BRIDGET 
It’s so difficult being so popular. 
BRIDGET [Composing email] 
But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall. 
NICK 
Oh, my sleigh! I forgot! 
BRIDGET [Composing email] 
I fell over it and broke my leg! 
Crashing noise/scream 
Christmas music 
HECTOR 
Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding – right, mince pies! 
First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher! 
Christmas music 
HECTOR 
Mmm, they smell good, don’t they Charley. 
Sound of door opening/closing 
ANNIE 
Phew! Well I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping. 
HECTOR 
Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie? 
ANNIE 
Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever. 
HECTOR 
I followed the rec-eep. 
ANNIE 
 ‘p’. 
HECTOR 
Mince ‘p’? 
ANNIE 
No, no, no. Rec-ipe. 
HECTOR 
Oh, rec-ipe. 
ANNIE 
Mmm. 
HECTOR 
Hmm. 
ANNIE 
Umm. 
HECTOR 
Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas! 
ANNIE 
Yuk!! 
HECTOR 
Something wrong? 
ANNIE 
It’s dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would you like some, Charley? 
ANNIE & HECTOR 
Hmm/Mmm/Umm. 
ANNIE 
Hey, it’s Saint Nicholas! 
NICK 
Oh! 
HECTOR 
Nick, what happened to your beard? 
NICK 
Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child – woomph! 
Laughter 
NICK 
Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah! 
HECTOR 
With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm. 
ANNIE 
Erm, Hector. 
HECTOR 
Hmm? 
ANNIE 
What did you put in the pies? 
HECTOR 
Mince meat – from the best butcher. 
ANNIE 
This is mincemeat. This is minced meat. 
HECTOR 
Isn’t it the same thing? 
ANNIE 
Not quite. 
NICK 
Ha-ha! Delicious! 
ANNIE 
Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget. 
Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music 
MALE NURSE 
Night-night. 
ANNIE 
Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing? 
HECTOR 
Who is Carol? 
ANNIE 
Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on people’s doors and sing to them for money. 
NICK 
Let’s do it! Hmm! 
ANNIE 
For charity! 
For poor little children. 
NICK 
Huh! 
ANNIE 
Some children have no Christmas. 
BRIDGET 
Just like me. 
ANNIE 
And your job as Santa Claus is so important. 
You help children to believe in Christmas! 
NICK 
Yes, you’re right, Annie, I do. 
My job is important! I help children to believe!! 
Christmas music 
ANNIE 
Right, let’s go! 
BRIDGET 
I’ll go, only if we can sing Abba songs. 
HECTOR 
And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie. 
BRIDGET 
Oh, all right. 
Christmas music 
BRIDGET 
Ugh! 
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK 
“Away in a manger ” 
OFF SCREEN VOICE 
Dog in a manger, more like, good night! 
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK 
“Silent night ” 
OFF SCREEN VOICE 
I wish you were, all night! 
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK 
“We Three Kings of Orient are  one on a scooter, one in a car .” 
OFF SCREEN VOICE 
Get lost! 
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK 
“Merrily on high ” 
OFF SCREEN VOICE 
Get ‘em Gnasher. 
Sound of dog barking 
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK 
“O Come All Ye Faithful, joyful and triumph ” 
Sound of dogs barking 
BRIDGET 
[Voice fades into background singing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful] 
Christmas music 
HECTOR 
Hi Annie, I like the tree. 
ANNIE 
Oh thank you, it’s nearly finished. 
HECTOR 
Please, use these. My decorations. 
ANNIE 
Oh, sweet, Hector. Are they from Argentina? 
HECTOR 
No, Oxford Street. Aren’t they great! 
ANNIE 
Oh, great. 
Sound of door opening/closing 
ANNIE 
Oh, hi Nick. How was your last day as Santa Claus? 
NICK 
Great! Such nice children. One of them let me play with his binoculars! 
ANNIE 
Really. 
NICK 
Oh, and I’ve just finished my Christmas shopping. 
ANNIE 
But the shops are shut now. 
NICK 
No, the petrol station was open. Look I’ve bought my mum this. 
HECTOR 
A map of Watford. 
ANNIE 
But your mum doesn’t live in Watford. 
NICK 
Oh I know. She might go there one day, though! I bought shampoo for my sister. 
HECTOR 
Car shampoo. 
NICK 
Yeah, and after shave for my dad. Ha-ha-ha! Mmm. 
I like the tree. Ooh, but I love these! Hey, I’ve got some too, it was the last day of the grotto today, so they were throwing these away. Ha-ha, can you believe it! Ha-ha! 
Christmas music 
ANNIE 
No! 
Christmas music 
HECTOR & NICK 
Perfect. 
ANNIE 
Well, it might make Bridget laugh. 
HECTOR 
Why? 
ANNIE 
I know, if Bridget can’t go to her parties, let’s have a party here! 
NICK 
When? 
ANNIE 
Oh, I don’t know. In about fifteen minutes! 
BRIDGET 
Oh! Oh! Look at the Christmas tree! 
ANNIE 
I know. It makes me want to cry too. 
BRIDGET 
What’s the point of having Christmas if I can’t go to my Christmas party?! Now Christmas just makes me cry! 
HECTOR 
Oh, Bridget, cheer up. Tomorrow is Christmas Day. 
BRIDGET 
[Sound of crying] 
HECTOR 
Have you got your stocking? 
BRIDGET 
Yes. 
NICK 
Hah, yes, and I’ve got mine! 
ANNIE 
What are you hoping for? A motor bike? 
NICK 
Ye-es! Why not? 
BRIDGET 
The only thing that will make this Christmas worse is if you invited all my friends round for a surprise party to cheer me up. 
Sound of knocking on door 
ANNIE 
Ah. 
ASSORTED VOICES 
Surprise!! 
BRIDGET 
Oh!! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Hector made us mince pies. 
HECTOR 
And now the mince meat, from the best butcher! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
The problem is, he used minced meat, instead of mincemeat. 
ANNIE 
Yuk! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Oh well! He did try! 
HECTOR 
They smell good, don’t they Charley. 
HECTOR, NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE 
“Silent Night ” 
NICK [Composing email] 
To cheer Bridget up, we went carol singing. 
ANNIE, NICK, BRIDGET & HECTOR 
“We Three Kings of Orient are  one on a scooter, one in a car ” 
OFF SCREEN VOICE 
Good night! 
NICK [Composing email] 
People loved us! 
BRIDGET 
“Joyful and triumph ” 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
I also organized a surprise party for Bridget, she was surprised! 
Sound of knocking on door 
ANNIE 
Ah. 
ASSORTED VOICES 
Surprise!! 
BRIDGET 
No-oo! 
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Tomorrow is Christmas Day and Bernard is coming for lunch. What fun! 
Christmas music/sound of knocking on door 
ANNIE 
Hang on, I’m coming! 
BERNARD 
Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas! 
ANNIE 
Oh, hello Bernard, merry Christmas. 
I’m sorry, we had a little party last night. 
BERNARD 
Erm, I’m here for dinner. 
ANNIE 
Isn’t it a bit early? 
BERNARD 
Ten o'clock, time for a sherry. 
ANNIE 
Bernard, where’s your mother? 
BERNARD 
At church. 
Sound of TV being switched on 
ANNIE 
Well I’ll just go and get dressed. 
Christmas music 
NICK 
“To Bernard, Love from Annie.” Ha-ha. 
BERNARD 
Sherry. Thanks, Annie. Nearly finished this one. 
NICK 
“To Bridget, Love from Annie.” 
BRIDGET 
A – a flea collar. I haven’t got fleas! 
ANNIE 
I’m sorry, Bridget, wrong label. It was meant for Charley! 
NICK 
Hah! Is she sure it was meant for Charley?! Ha-ha! “To Bridget, from Hector.” Ooh! 
BRIDGET 
Oh thank you Hector, you shouldn’t have. What to Wear at Christmas Parties. Oh!! 
HECTOR 
I bought it before you  
BRIDGET 
I’ve got a little something for you, Nick. 
NICK 
Whoo-hoo, goody! ‘Gorilla – because you are the original man.’ Whoo, ha-ha, it smells like a gorilla. 
BRIDGET 
Well, you should know. 
NICK 
Ooh, I wonder what this could be. Ah. 
HECTOR 
Merry Christmas, sugar plum. 
ANNIE 
Merry Christmas, snugly-puppykins. 
One heart, forever. 
BRIDGET 
This will stop it! 
ANNIE 
Bridget, nothing will stop my love for Hector. 
Sound of coughing 
ANNIE 
Well  
Christmas music/sound of knocking on door 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I just called to say Merry Christmas! 
Ah! Mmm! 
Christmas music 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Ah! Hector, Mmm. 
Bridget, what has happened to you? 
BRIDGET 
I had an accident. 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, what a pity! You’ve missed some fabulous parties, especially at the Beckhams. Elton John, he’s a very naughty boy! Ha! Still, never mind, there is always next year. OK, must dash. Off to a top restaurant for lunch. 
BRIDGET 
Erm, Eunice. 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Yes. 
BRIDGET 
Before you go, have a mince pie. Nick. 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh. 
Spraying noise 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, I shouldn’t. 
But, it’s Christmas. 
BERNARD 
It’s true, there is a Santa! 
And she’s a woman! Wait for me! 
I want to tell you what I really want for Christmas! 
NICK 
Ha-ha-ha! 
HECTOR 
Hey, can you smell something?
NICK 
Yeah. Is something burning?! 
HECTOR 
Ah, I forgot - the turkey! 
Christmas music/assorted noises/shouting 
HECTOR 
Water, water, we need water! 
Not on me! On the turkey! 
NICK 
Oooh! 
Assorted noises/shouting 
HECTOR 
Move! Move! 
Assorted noises/shouting 
HECTOR 
There, the fire is out. 
NICK 
Anyone for turkey?! 
ANNIE 
Shall we just have pudding? 
BRIDGET 
Erm, no mince pies, thanks. 
HECTOR 
Oh, I have another surprise for you. Another English Christmas tradition. Chocolate log. One slice or two? 
Christmas music/sound of sawing 
COMMENTARY [v.o.] 
Next time in EXTRA, Nick wants to join the SAS, Bridget and Annie train the boys for action and why is Hector home so late? 
ANNIE 
Hello, Hector! 
COMMENTARY [v.o.] 
EXTRA, don’t miss it!