Episode 24 Pilot Nick

. But now we have work to do. 
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Chip Hardy speaking. We will now go through the safety routine. 
Exits are here, here and here. 
In the event of cabin decompression, place oxygen masks over your face like so, but please attend to your own mask before helping children. Life jackets can be found under your seat. 
In case of forced landing, adopt the following position.
BRIDGET
Oh, Eunice, I've got the builders on the phone.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
About time.
BRIDGET
Hello. You can start today? 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, Jean-Pierre, how nice to hear from you.
BRIDGET
Well we really need the job done quickly.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
We should meet tonight? Oh yes.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, where to start.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Where? Hmm, that's a very good question.
BRIDGET
Where would you like the building work to start?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, I was thinking in my flat.
BRIDGET
In your flat?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, yes, in my flat.
BRIDGET
Hello? 
We want you to start in Eunice's flat. Yes, that's right, Eunice's flat. 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It's 31 Evergreen Street.
BRIDGET
It's 31 Evergreen Street. That's right. Bye.
HECTOR
Tea, coffee?
NICK
No, no, no! Make it musical. Feel the words. Tea or coffee?
HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]
Tea or coffee?
NICK
Thanks.
HECTOR
Hey, Nick, do women really go for you in that uniform?
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
Oh, but do they know that you are not a real pilot?
NICK
Well, hmm.
HECTOR
You tell them you are a real pilot.
NICK
Maybe.
Sound of mobile phone
NICK
Oh, aha! Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. 
Oh, hi, Tiffany! I love this uniform! Yes, that's right, sweetie. Currently flying at 20,000 feet heading for Barbados. [Hector makes engine noises in background] 
Yeah, that's right darling, above the clouds, above the clouds.
HECTOR
[Makes engine noises/impersonates pilot]
NICK
No, no, no. We're just...
HECTOR
Ahhh.. .. ... ... ..
NICK
....We're not being attacked, it’s just a bit of turbulence. Look, I've got to go. Bye-bye!
HECTOR
Aaah!!
Sound of footsteps/coughing/spluttering
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nooooooo! 
BRIDGET
Oh, hi, Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, guess where this came from?
BRIDGET
Erm..., DIY shop?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
No, from my flat.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, have the builders started? Excellent.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Excellent? Excellent? My flat is a mess! 
You told the builders to work in my flat.
BRIDGET
Yes, you said.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
But the builders were supposed to work at Channel Nine. Your mistake, you fix it.
BRIDGET
But....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And until you do, I'm going to stay in your flat.
BRIDGET
Nooooooooo! 
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Oh no. Eunice is so angry! 
I made a tiny little mistake at work.
BRIDGET
We want you to start work in Eunice’s flat. Yes, that’s right, Eunice’s flat.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nooooooooo!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
And now she's coming to stay with us.
BRIDGET
Nooooooooo!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Oh, what am I going to do?
NICK [Composing email]
Dan, forget about fast cars, forget about exercise in the gym, forget about cool clothes. 
You have to get a pilot's uniform. It's magic with women.
NICK
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
BRIDGET!!
BRIDGET
I wanna ride the pony!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, I want my breakfast now.
BRIDGET
Of course. What would you like?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I want fresh coconut milk, two rashers of crisp bacon, preserve of Morello cherries on French toast, and coffee. Italian coffee.
BRIDGET
Fresh coconut milk, Italian coffee? I don't have....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So you have to go out and buy them for me. Oooh, ohhh, horrible.
Assorted background noises
HECTOR
Oh! Captain Hardy, what are we going to do?
NICK
It will be OK.
HECTOR
I am too young to die! You have to save us!
NICK
Try to be calm.
HECTOR
But what about my family? What about my cat?
NICK
Hold yourself together, woman.
HECTOR
What...
Slapping noise
NICK
Excellent! You were really good! 
That was like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
HECTOR
You didn't have to slap me for real.
NICK
Oh, sorry, but I... oop! 
Sound of mobile phone ringing
NICK
Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. [Sound of Hector in background making assorted noises]. What? Oh... OK, it's the director! Shh! What? What?! Erm, just a minute. The actress? She's ill? But we must still do the play? No, we don't have much time. 
Look, don't worry. I know the perfect person to play the part. Oh, yes, the perfect person. Bye! 
Hector? 
Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
I have an extra ticket for Paris. Do you want to come with me?
HECTOR
Paris?
NICK
Oui, oui. 
HECTOR
Excellent! 
NICK & HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
You call this a breakfast? Euurgggh! That's what I think of this! Ooh! Eurrh! And this! Aahh! And this! Poofff! And I have a little washing for you. 
[Sound of clicking fingers] In the bedroom. 
Now, what shall I eat? Hmm!
BRIDGET
You call this a little washing?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, be quiet and do it.
ANNIE
Hi! I got some polish for Granny's chest.
BRIDGET
Nice.
ANNIE
Oh, I love it so much. It really reminds me of her. 
Hey! You're eating my party food!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yes. But it's not very good. 
Here, Charley boy.
BRIDGET
Annie, Annie, please. I don't want to lose my job. 
It's only for a few days.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Now which of you lucky girls is going to cut my toenails?
BRIDGET
Grrrr! I'm going to kill that woman! 
ANNIE
No, no, let me.
NICK
Are you having fun with Eunice?
ANNIE & BRIDGET
Hmm.
HECTOR
Why don't you stay here while we are away?
NICK
Yeah.
ANNIE & BRIDGET
Erm, no, thank you.
ANNIE
Good luck in Paris!
Sound of atmospheric accordion music
HECTOR
Oh, Paris, c'est magnifique!
NICK
Hector, where were you? 
Our play starts soon.
HECTOR
Oh, OK, good luck.
NICK
Hector, there's something I've got to tell you. 
HECTOR
Oh, your play starts very soon. Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?
NICK
Huh! Well, actually she's right here.
HECTOR
Eh? Good joke!
NICK
The actress? She's ill.
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
You are going to play the stewardess. Look, there's your costume.
HECTOR
You are not serious. You are serious?
NICK
Listen, Sylvia, I am gonna fly this plane. I will need all my crew. You are a professional. I am your captain. Will you fly with me?
HECTOR
No. No. No, no, no. I am not doing it, hmm!
NICK
Sylvia! I'm proud of you.
HECTOR
Oh, shut up.
ANNIE
What's that?
BRIDGET
Come and have something to eat.
ANNIE
Well, the shape looks familiar.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
You've guessed. It is that chest. 
I did some work on it for you.
ANNIE
Oh!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It looked so boring. I gave it a whole new look. Da-daa!
Background atmospheric music
ANNIE
My grandmother's chest! Ohhh.....
BRIDGET
Annie. Annie, please...
ANNIE
Arrrghhhh!!
ANNIE [Composing email] 
Oh, that woman! 
I can't take much more of her! 
And I don't know if I can control myself. 
BRIDGET
Annie, Annie, please 
ANNIE
Arrrghhhh!!
NICK [Composing email]
Paris was great, but there was one problem, Sophie, my actress, was ill.
HECTOR
Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?
NICK
Huh! Well, she's ill.
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK [Composing email]
And I had to persuade Hector to play her part instead. 
NICK
You are going to play the stewardess.
HECTOR
Oh, shut up.
NICK
Oooh, that was close! 
We nearly missed the plane. 
HECTOR
Look at the reviews. "Irresistible."
NICK
"Dazzling."
HECTOR
“And that was just her legs”!
NICK
"The hostess was beautiful - in a masculine way."
NICK & HECTOR
Aaarrrghhh! Aaarrrghhh!
HECTOR
What's going on?
P.A. ADDRESS
Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence. There's nothing to worry about, except that the pilot and co-pilot are both ill. 
Erm, does anybody know how to fly a plane?
NICK & HECTOR
Aaarrrghhh!
NICK
Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
Don't worry. I will fly this plane.
HECTOR
Nick, you cannot fly this plane!
NICK
I am Captain Chip Hardy. I can do anything!
HECTOR
You are just an actor. Captain Chip Hardy is your character.
NICK
But I have the heart of a pilot.
HECTOR
Tea? Coffee?
Sound of mobile phone ringing
BRIDGET
Oh, wait a minute. 
Hello? Oh, really? Oh, excellent! Goodbye.
ANNIE
Who was that?
BRIDGET
The builders. Eunice's flat is finished!
ANNIE
Really? 
BRIDGET
Her flat is ready!
ANNIE
Wooooohhh! Our flat is ours again! Hoo-hooo-hooo!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Hello, girls. Have you had a nice time?
BRIDGET
What happened here?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, just a little party! It was really fun!
BRIDGET
OK, Eunice. We've spoken to the builders. 
Your flat's ready. You can go home now.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, I like it here. I think I'm going to stay. 
Oh Bridget! Where's my coffee! And Annie, bring my new wig.
ANNIE & BRIDGET
Nooooooooooo!
BRIDGET
What do you mean?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
What do I mean? I am going to stay.
HECTOR
Aha! We are back! Paris was great and...
ANNIE
Oh, pilot Ken and stewardess Barbie!
HECTOR
But he really is a pilot! He flew the plane!
NICK
Well, for a moment, until the co-pilot punched me!
HECTOR
What happened here? A hurricane?
ANNIE
Yes, something like that. 
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, Nick, what's this? A new job?
NICK
Yeah, sort of.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So Mr Pilot, shall we have some fun?
NICK
Yeah, OK!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Will you take my flying?
NICK
Ha-ha! OK!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Shall we stay here or go to my place?
NICK
Let's go to your place. This place is a mess! 
Really, girls, you should tidy up a bit.
HECTOR
It is the uniform.
BRIDGET
Oh, at last, she's gone! 
ANNIE
Oh, I’m exhausted!
HECTOR
Well, if you are tired, can I offer you some tea or coffee?
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Bridget is interested in modern art, Annie is fighting to free farm animals and who else is coming to dinner? 
EXTRA, don't miss it!