Episode 21 The Entertainers

NICK
Hey look, it’s Bridget.
BRIDGET
If I said ‘children’s parties’ to you, you’d say 
NICK
 No thanks! 
BRIDGET
Jelly, ice cream, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey.
NICK
Oh, pinning the tail on the donkey.
Sound of background party music/bursting balloons
HECTOR
Pin the tail on the donkey?
NICK
Great game!
HECTOR
Poor donkey.
BRIDGET
But not for the lucky children of the rich and famous.
At their parties they have elephant rides 
HECTOR
So, they pin the tail on the elephant! 
BRIDGET
Amazing cakes, top class entertainers. Parties like these can cost thousands of pounds, but listen to the laughter of these lovely children.
Sound of children cheering and laughing
BRIDGET
They love it!
CHILD
Give me that. I want that!
BRIDGET
Not now, sweetie, I’m on television.
CHILD
But I want it!
BRIDGET
Be a nice child and go away.
CHILD
Give it to me!
BRIDGET
I said, get lost!
CHILD
Mum! She hit me!
BRIDGET
This is Bridget Evans, Channel 9, Knightsbridge.
CHILD
Get the police, mummy!
BRIDGET
Oh, will you keep your child quiet?!!
Sound of siren
NICK
That’s it!
HECTOR
What?
NICK
Children’s parties. Rich children’s parties.
HECTOR
You can’t go, you are too old!
NICK
No, she said – top class entertainers. That’s us. We will be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!
HECTOR
Don’t we need an elephant?
NICK
No! We’ve got you!
HECTOR
Oooh!
NICK
No. Hmmm!
HECTOR
Hmmm!
NICK
Yeah.
ANNIE [Composing email]
I am learning how to hypnotise people.
ANNIE
You are feeling very sleepy.
ANNIE [Composing email]
I’ve tried it on Hector and Nick 
ANNIE
BUTTERFLY!!
HECTOR
I don’t think it’s working, Annie.
ANNIE [Composing email]
But nothing’s happened – yet.
ANNIE
A hypnotic state can last for two days.
Oh.
NICK [Composing email]
Hector and I are going to be top class party entertainers to rich children.
NICK
We’ll be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!
NICK
OK guys, what do you think of this?
‘Posh Parties – make your child’s party go with a bang.
We are top class children’s entertainers, we make them laugh ’
HECTOR
... We make them cry!
ANNIE
It’s not like that, Hector.
NICK
‘Book Posh Parties for the best party in the world. Only millionaires need apply.’
What do you think?
BRIDGET
I think you’d be lucky to get one reply.
Sound of telephone ringing
ANNIE
Ooh!
Hello. Oh, yes, erm, this is Posh Parties. Who is calling, please?
Mrs George Ducas?!
NICK
Not the wife of Mr George Ducas?!
HECTOR
Who?
NICK
George Ducas, the Hollywood director.
BRIDGET
You know who it is, don’t you!
NICK
Victoria, Lucas’s mother.
VICTORIA
Lucas, say ‘hello’ to Uncle Nicky-Wicky!
NICK
Hi.
Electrical buzzing noise
NICK
Ah!
ANNIE
Hello. Oh, you’d like to book a party – for your stepdaughter. 
Oh, she loves fairies. Well, I have just the fairy for you, Princess Nicky, oh and here she is!
NICK
Hello! Princess Nicky speaking. Oh yes, of course I know what little girls like! I used to be one myself, you know. Ha-hmm-hmm.
Oh, certainly Mrs Ducas, Daisy’s birthday on Friday, we’ll be there. Bye-ee!
Oh no!
ANNIE
Nick, that’s fantastic news! It’s your first booking!
HECTOR
Yeah!
NICK
But I will have to go to the home of George Ducas dressed as a fairy princess! What will Victoria say?! Bah! Who cares! This is my chance to get into Hollywood.
BRIDGET
Erm, it’s the nearest you’ll ever get to Hollywood. Anyway, what can you do?
NICK
What can I do?
BRIDGET
What can you do to entertain children?
NICK
I can juggle!
HECTOR
So can I!
BRIDGET
Is that it?
NICK
No, I can do lots of things.
Anyway I will have my assistants, Hector and  
ANNIE
Ah-ah-ah, I’m working on Friday. She’s not.
NICK
Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh no, no. Children and I do not work well together.
NICK
Oh well, suit yourself, it’s only the home of George Ducas, with the children of Hollywood stars!
BRIDGET
Celebrities?
NICK
Ahm.
BRIDGET
Oh, all right.
But I’m not dressing up.
Sound of background atmospheric music
BRIDGET
I feel ridiculous!
NICK
You feel ridiculous, what about me?
HECTOR
Ah, this is the last box.
NICK
Ah, great!
VICTORIA
Are you ready?
NICK
Ooh!
VICTORIA
Nick!
NICK
Oh!
VICTORIA
Princess Nicky.
NICK
Ha-ha, hi Victoria. 
I mean, hello, Mrs Ducas, ha-ha.
VICTORIA
So, how’s the acting going?
NICK
Oh, great, great, this is just a, a temporary job! Ha-ha. 
Hmm, is George here?
VICTORIA
He’s next door, chatting to a few friends. 
Erm, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Orlando Bloom and Jude Law.
NICK
That’s nice, yeah  
VICTORIA
Mmm. Well, let’s bring in the birthday girl.
Daisy, in you come!
Assorted background noises and accompanying music as children enter room
VICTORIA
Have a good time! [Sound of kissing]
Anyway, I’m just going next door to have drinkies!
Sound of tittering laughter/accompanying music
ANNIE [Composing email]
This is so funny!
The good news is: Nick and Hector have got their first Posh Parties booking.
ANNIE
You’d like to book a party?
ANNIE [Composing email]
The bad news is they’ve gone to George Ducas’ house, dressed as fairies!
BRIDGET
I feel ridiculous!
NICK
You feel ridiculous, what about me?!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Nick has made me help him with his silly children’s party.
NICK
Ha-ha! Hee!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
I don’t like children. Worse still - I’m dressed as a fairy!
VICTORIA
Have a good time!
NICK
Hello little fairies. My name is Princess Nicky. Hello!
[Clears throat] And this is Princess Hector-ina. 
Ha-ha. And this – is Tinkerbell. Ha-ha!
DAISY
She’s really old!
NICK
[Clears throat loudly]
Now, Princess Hector-ina is going to show you a magic trick. Ooh! – Aren’t you, Princess Hector-ina. Ha-ha!
HECTOR
Now we are going to have a magical time this afternoon, aren’t we!
Now, would you like to meet Mr Whizzy?
Of course you would. 
BRIDGET
Come on Daisy, come and meet Mr Whizzy.
HECTOR
Now Daisy, is Mr Whizzy in the hat?
Go on, put your hand in.
Not too far! [Clears throat]. Well, is he there?
DAISY
No!
HECTOR
No he’s not. Now, give the hat a magic tap.
Thumping noise
HECTOR
Careful, you’ll give him a headache! [Clears throat]. Oh, who is this?! Oh, it’s Mr Whizzy!   to Mr Whizzy.
Sound of children laughing
HECTOR
Oh, Mr Whizzy hasn’t got any clothes on! Ha-ha!
NICK
Ha-ha-hah! Thank you Daisy!
Now, erm, Tinkerbell, stop that and come over here!
DAISY
You’ve got hairy legs and a hairy chest!
NICK
Now Daisy, that’s not a very nice thing to say about Tinkerbell!
BRIDGET
I think she meant you!
NICK
Oh, ha, now!
I am going to make someone disappear! Oooh!
Who shall it be?
DAISY
You!
NICK
Daisy, do you want to be part of the magic trick again?
Oh, Daisy! Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Magic Wigwam! Now Daisy, this is Princess Nicky’s magical wigwam.
If you go in there you’ll find a wonderful magical land!
Do you want to go in?
DAISY
No!
NICK
Of course, ha-ha-ha! Of course you do! Now in you go, come on – poppet! He-he, get in, he-he. There we are! Marvellous! Ha-ha. Now, we say the magical word, Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Hey Presto, Ping!
Is Daisy still here? Oh, she’s gone!
She must be having a wonderful time in the magical land. But it’s time to come home now, Daisy! Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Ping!
And hello Daisy.
Daisy? Daisy! Daisy! Daisy! Where did she go?
HECTOR
I don’t know!
BRIDGET
I’ll get the cake, she’ll come out then!
NICK
Where is she?
Where is Daisy!
Sound of hysterical laughter
BRIDGET
What a good game, Princess Nicky! Can’t you remember where Daisy is, really, your mind is like a butterfly! Ha-ha-ha!
Sound of harp music/laughter
ANNIE
BUTTERFLY!!
NICK & HECTOR
[Making chicken/type squawking noises]
Sound of children laughing
NICK
Ah-hah! The cake! OK, come out Daisy, wherever you are!
HECTOR
We’ve got a surprise for you!
NICK
She’ll come out when she see this!
Happy Birthday, Daisy, cue, Bridget! Whoo!
Sound of children laughing/squawking noises
BRIDGET
What’s going on?
Sound of mobile phone ringing
BRIDGET
Annie? 
ANNIE
Bridget, I forgot to say, whatever you do, do not mention the word butterfly.
BRIDGET
Oh, why not?
ANNIE
Because it’s the word I used to hypnotise Nick and Hector, they might behave strangely.
BRIDGET
Erm, stranger than usual?
ANNIE
Yes.
BRIDGET
Erm, I think it worked!
ANNIE
Oh!
BRIDGET
So how do you de-hypnotise them?
ANNIE
Erm, there’s a special word.
BRIDGET
What is it?!!
ANNIE
Erm, dragonfly, erm, bee. Oh, no, wasp, ant 
BRIDGET
Dragonfly, bee, wasp, ant 
BRIDGET
Nothing’s happening!
ANNIE
I’ll be right there!
BRIDGET
Oh, hurry! Oooh!
Sound of screeching
VICTORIA
Oh, what the 
NICK
Hey, Victoria, come and rock!
VICTORIA
What, why is   
What’s going on?
NICK
The thing is, we were doing this magic trick and 
HECTOR
... We lost her.
VICTORIA
Nick, how could you?!
That’s it, I’m calling the police.
Police – baby darling!
DAISY
Oh, wicked!!
ANNIE
She was in Princess Nicky’s van.
BRIDGET
So, have you remembered the word?
ANNIE
Oh yes, erm, caterpillar.
Sound of harp music
VICTORIA
What a mess! I’m not paying you!
ANNIE
Well then, you won’t mind that I’ve put parking tickets on four Mercedes, five Ferraris and two Porsches, illegally parked outside.
VICTORIA
Oh, Catherine parked outside and Jude did too. All of George’s friends parked – surely we can come to some kind of an arrangement.
ANNIE
Mmm.
VICTORIA
Very well.
NICK
Well, I didn’t meet George!
HECTOR
It was a great party though and the money was good too!
ANNIE
Erm, you’ll need that for your fine.
NICK
What fine?
ANNIE
We had to tow your van away.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was yours.
NICK
What? !! Hey, come back!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie is reading her crystal ball, Bridget wants to meet a handsome stranger and what is scaring Hector and Nick?
EXTRA, don’t miss it!